Pakistani Ethnicities 101

After having a thoroughly enjoyable time listing the daily activities of Palestinians in my previous post, I have now decided to do the same for the diverse and troublesome ethnicities within our glorious country.

Let’s start with my own:

Punjabi

1. Wake up.
2. Comb moustache.
3. Have cholesterol-enhancing and fattening lassi for breakfast.
4. Buy new Naseebo Lal cassette and play while driving tractor.
5. Spit. Blow nose and clean with kameez.
6. Go to cinema to watch Saima movie.
7. Ogle at picture of Saima in wallet.
8. Beat wife for serving cold tea to guest, and also for not looking like Saima.
9. Beat all seven kids for being loud.
10. Scratch groin.
11. Go to theatre and watch Mastana in stage play.
12. Watch Nargis ka mujra in same play. Whistle.
13. Jerk off to Nargis ka mujra when home.
14. Eat mutton karahi. Curse and go to bed.

Sindhi

1. Wake up.
2. Curse Punjab for using all irrigation water.
3. Curse Mohajirs for occupying native land.
4. Till fields with stone-age tools.
5. Apologize to landlord for taking one more bale of crop than was allowed.
6. Give daughter to landlord in exchange for that extra bale of crop.
7. Sleep on floor.

Mohajir

1. Wake up.
2. Try to wash up. Curse random people for lack of running water in Karachi.
3. Curse Punjab for hijacking culture.
4. Curse Pathans in general.
5. Praise Miandad as greatest batsman to ever play cricket.
6. Tell kids about massive ancestral home in Lucknow.
7. Look down upon rest of the country.
8. Go to beach and throw banana peels and toffee wrappers. Curse inefficient administration for failing to keep Karachi clean.
9. Listen to latest Altaf Hussain speech.
10. Go to sleep, cursing authorities for lack of electricity yet again.

Pathan

1. Wake up.
2. Put naswar in mouth and get high.
3. Curse America for ruining spiritual fatherland in Afghanistan.
4. Make trip to spiritual fatherland in Afghanistan.
5. Bring back poppy.
6. Make charas and distribute across nation.
7. Eat undercooked lamb and tasteless pulao.
8. Consume green tea and burn fat.
9. Host Mullah Omar.
10. Buy new weapon from shop down the street.
11. Kill neighbor using new weapon.
12. Sleep content.

Baloch

1. Wake up.
2. Clean shoes for tribal chief.
3. Blow up gas pipeline.
4. Fish near Gwadar coast.
5. Blow up railway track.
6. Host rest of Taliban.
7. Blow up policeman.
8. Cook lamb.
9. Sleep.

In the spirit of utter randomness, I conclude with the sublime poetry of Abrar ul Haq

kaleyan reh reh thak gaye aan
sehbalay ban ban akk gaye aan
ho ranna waleyan de pakkan parathay
te chhareyan de agg na balay
oh taa hee te tenu akheya e
aja ni beja cycle tey
dil bolay karri karri tu dil di jani eh
sari duniya maani mein pyasa tu paani eh
ni zara lakk nu hila, thora kum ke wakha
kadi jaan-eeeay

Hamas vs Fatah

In other equally ridiculous news, Palestinians have been busy killing each other. Yep, that’s right, each other! Apparently, there are two political parties there (one impotent, the other crazy) who recently contested democratic elections, and things have gotten ugly. Supporters of both have been having vicious gunbattles in streets and a dozen or so have died. Since I have done comprehensive and meticulous research on Palestinians, which pretty much makes me an expert on them, allow me to shed some light on the topic at hand. So, just for you, a day in the life of an average Palestinian:

1. Wake up.
2. Look for toothpaste to brush teeth, and curse non-existent economy and the consequent lack of imported consumer goods like toothpaste.
3. Curse father for dying in Israeli jail and leaving family without breadwinner to be able to purchase toothpaste from fancy Israeli store across the fence.
4. Collect stones from rubble of destroyed building nearby.
5. Practice throwing stones at Israeli tanks.
6. Get in fight with neighbor for supporting other political party.
7. Kill neighbor for supporting other political party.
8. Blow up six Israelis coming back from work on bus. Anything less than six will be deemed as inefficient use of scarce resources by the Holy Association for the Complete and Total Annihilation of Infidels.
9. As a corollary to 8, blow up self.
10. Enter Heaven. Mock Saint Peter at the gates for poor attendance on ‘that’ side, and gleefully follow Angel Jibrail to ‘this’ side.
11. Say hi to Mohammad Atta. Discuss complexities of flying planes into tall, narrow structures.
12. Fuck virgins.
13. Finally be able to use as much toothpaste as desired.
14. Curse Eternal Life for being only about fucking virgins and enjoying canals of milk and pomegranate trees. And unlimited toothpaste.

Know what Palestinians have in common with us Pakis? Both our countries have no future.

Ha bloody ha.

Aye haye

So the instructor I talked about in a post previously, the one who had a sexual harrassment case against him, has now been ‘asked to step down.’ Which basically means he got the boot. This is interesting in two extremely opposite ways: on one side, he was a kick-ass instructor who knew his shit better than anyone around and was a pleasure to study with. On the other, tharak-pan bhi bhi ek bari mazedar cheez hai. It’s cute how us men are ruled by six inches of flesh.

Kher, museebat yeh hai keh now I won’t even try to hit on any girl in any course I’m TAing. Awayein penchod sexual harrassment case hee na ban jaye.

Prime Minister of Shika-kai

At a friend’s suggestion, today I watched 15 Park Avenue, an elitist-type Indian film about a schizophrenic young girl and her much-older sister. The film is very nice, very moving, very slow, and very highly recommended (especially and only for days when you feel lazy). I, being the perennial prick that I am, found a few things I didn’t enjoy about the film:

1. The slow pace
2. The plethora of random, unnecessary characters
3. The ambiguous ending
4. The fact that the film was in English. I hate desi films in English. They appear elitist and unapproachable. They also make it unrelatable and unwatchable for a large chunk of the population. As if goras are going to watching these films in any case. Plus I have issues with understanding spoken English. Which is why I don’t listen to English songs. At all. Yep, I’m paindu by default.

One line in the film that’s really cool, especially in the context of the whole darned film: “You know, it would’ve been funny, had it not been so sad.”

And now for something completely different: (Talk about unoriginal lines)
Today, while trying to catch up on my European History stuff, I was reading about the Thirty Year’s War on Wikipedia. (Wikipedia, by the way, is the best website in the whole wide world. It’s much more useful than stupid and ridiculous course readings. If you don’t agree with me, you deserve to be rolled up in a carpet, and trampled upon by a dozen horses till you are made mincemeat of. Hmm, that’s another historical reference, to be thrown light on some other day.) The Thirty Year’s War was a religious-cum-political conflict fought by Protestants and Catholics from all over Europe in the 17th century. Now fuck the rest of the war, there’s this rather interesting story about a mock court trial in Prague (which was near the area where this shitty war began). Two Catholic men were tried of treason (or God knows what nonsensical crime) by the people of the city (who happened to be staunch Protestants, or at least most of them). After the trial, they were thrown off a window 50 feet high, to fall to a miserable, shameful and gruesome death. They survived, the bastards. How, you may ask? Ah, here starts the fun. The Catholics say that angels appeared and carried the two men to safety. The Protestant version? The two fell on cow manure, which broke their fall. And I thought us Muslims were this demented.

Continuing the historical-bullshit bit, here’s a picture to tickle your, well, fancy. It’s Louis XIV, the greatest king in the history of France, the guy who called himself the ‘Sun King’, the guy who brought glory and power to France, made it the most powerful nation in Europe. The guy who made that spectacular palace at Versailles. Really one of the most important characters in the history of the modern world. And here he is, in tights. I have never seen such beautiful and shapely legs on a man before. Ever. Stunning!!

Overeager pathans

Continuing in the spirit of positive news about our beloved motherland (as in the post below), I just came across a fortnight-old piece in Dawn that talks about the gang rape by some Pathan tribesmen of a group of women in a village near Hyderabad (far down to the south from where I’m sitting right now). Now as depressing and mortifying as this situation may be, quite a few things about it amuse me:

1) The presence of Pathan men in interior Sindh
2) The impotence of local village men to protect their women and hence honour in the face of ravaging Pathans
3) I’m supposed to be shopping for a new suit ka kapra right now at Link Road rather than sitting here on my rather significant posterior and bashing our great tribal peoples of the North (who are doing God-knows-what in Hyderabad!)

So, anyway, the poor women were gang-raped by these Pathan tribesmen. That brings us to our motto of the day:
*clears throat and takes out pretentious-sounding voice*
Help prevent rape. Consent.

Now with questions of honour and integrity bound to be raised, making the lives of the victims hell, I predict that some of these women will take the glorious and sacrificial path of self-immolation. What say thee?