Top 5 sexiest Pakistani terrorists

When I was growing up as a horny teenage boy (some, of course, swear that I never left that phase) I was a consistent follower of “insert-number-of-choice sexiest women in the world” lists that men’s magazines frequently publish. Be it Maxim, FHM or that online bible AskMen.com, I would always anxiously await their results. Sometimes Jessica Alba took top honors, at other times the crown went to Monica Bellucci. Of course, then there was that sissy People’s magazine list ranking the most good looking folks in the world. Bah.

Sitting on my toilet seat the other day, however, I realized that there is no such list for, you know, men of chaos. They do, after all, have mass appeal. In some cases, they even have all the ingredients of sex appeal: charisma, intrigue and mystery, good looks, a devil-may-care attitude. Why, thus, should they remain outside the purview of those that define what is sexy?

To correct this imbalance, below is my humble contribution. I have restricted the list to Pakistani nationals, and those too recent ones, simply because my expertise outside this time and space is restricted. Others are welcome to bring to my attention terrorists who, besides killing and mutilating women the world over, have also made them wet. So to speak.

5. Ajmal Kasab

Ajmal Kasab is to Pakistani terrorism what Hrithik Roshan was to Bollywood – he came out of complete obscurity, as a total underdog, and delivered one mega performance that made everyone sit up, take notice, and crap in their pants. What he was lacking in terms of Hrithik’s legendary dance moves, he gained by generally prancing around nonchalantly in a city of twenty million people (which, incidentally, happened to be Hrithik’s home) with a loaded machine gun in his hand. Similar to Hrithik Roshan, however, he is destined to remain a one-hit wonder: just like Hrithik’s career seems to have fizzled out (yes, yes, I know he has given hits, but come on, who cares about him anymore?), Ajmal is probably going to continue embarrassing himself in a fun trial in court and will eventually either be put to death or see jail for the rest of his wretched life.

Now, seeing his picture you might ask from which angle does Ajmal Kasab look sexy? He is, after all, only 20ish. I will give you that. But you fail to understand the appeal such boyish charms hold for the tween and teen audience – he is the perfect cute boy that will drive many girls crazy rushing out of puberty. He is a veritable Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys from our part of the world. And therein lays his sex appeal, bringing him to number five in our list.

4. Masood Azhar

Maulana Masood Azhar is a surprise entrant to this list (well, granted there aren’t too many sexy Pakistani terrorists to choose from in the first place). He is fat, has a big bushy beard, and wears that god-awful Arabic headdress (an example of another futile attempt by a Pakistani maulvi to become more Arabic in the false impression that the trueness of our religion lies in that part of the world. Idiot.) He owes his appearance on this list, clearly, not to his physical appearance (which is god-awful by all means) but, instead, to the sheer power of his oratory skills. He is, simply put, one of the most passionate and hair-raising public speakers I have ever heard. (Disclaimer: I have never actually heard him in person. I have merely listened to his work on Youtube, which, in today’s world, is good enough. If you want to hear him in person, go to Bahawalpur.) He specializes in the usual armed jihad message, asking you to get up from your ass and get to work in Kashmir, Afghanistan, Chechnya, Bosnia, and other assorted global hotspots. And he backs it up with his deeds too, unlike your average neighborhood maulvi: in the 1990’s he was arrested in India for charges of terrorism, and was eventually released in a dramatic hijacking episode in exchange for hostages of an Indian airplane. He then came back to Pakistan and founded Jaish-e-Mohammad, which used to specialize in Kashmir stuff but has now apparently turned its back on its paymasters and is having bomb blasts throughout urban Punjab. All very nasty stuff.

Anyway, do not take my word regarding his superior oration. Hear for yourself:

Here he is narrating his tale of release from the Indian prison – perfect for the average rightwing Pakistani.

Here he is explaining why Mullah Omar is the biggest badass alive.

And for a look at his humorous side (you know how humor adds to sex appeal):

Here he is explaining why TV is evil. Yes, TV.

And here he is poking fun at the entire Barelwi sect for their way-too-many religious festivals (definitely an inside joke that requires a certain appreciation of factional/sectarian rivalries within Sunni Islam):

(For my non-desi readers, if any: all links are in Urdu. If you don’t know the language, learn it. Pakistan is the most important country in the world, according to the Americans, so you might do well to learn the national language, ahem ahem.)

3. Brahamdagh Bugti

Brahamdagh Bugti is the grandson of the late Nawab Akbar Bugti of Balochistan and happens to be the only member of this list who is not an Islamic terrorist. On the contrary, he is probably Balochistan’s only hope for staving off a full-scale Mullah Omar-led Taliban takeover. His ideals, and those of his supporters, are purely secular in nature. Sadly for Pakistan, that offers no reprieve, as this kind gentleman is fighting for Baloch separatism and independence. Yes, that is correct. He is a modern-day Mujeeb ur Rehman, the only difference being that he is a dozen times sexier. Brahamdagh’s sex appeal is quite conventional – he is a man’s man. Rugged mountain dweller, he has been in hiding for two years, ever since our beloved Army murdered his grandpa. His story also features a fair degree of intrigue and mystery, another constant for high sex appeal: he is rumored (apparently there are pictures) to be regularly meeting Indian and Afghan intelligence people, getting money and arms for them, and generally being a big fat traitor to his homeland. Well, you know what they say, the enemy of my enemy…

The picture below shows Brahamdagh looking more manly than I can ever hope to become: gun on his shoulder, funky hunter’s cap, hunting away in a field. Man, that’s fucking hot, Brahamdagh. And I’m a total sucker for his name too. Bra-ham-dagh. Yum yum.

2. Ahmed Omar Saeed Sheikh

Ahmed Omar Saeed Sheikh is a thinking man’s terrorist. A graduate of Aitchison College in Lahore (no doubt Pakistan’s premier and most elitist high school – my thoughts on it can be found here) and the London School of Economics and Political Science, Ahmed Omar Saeed is as cerebral as they come. And from what I have heard and seen of women, cerebral is hot shit. He also has a fair degree of intrigue surrounding him: apparently, he was first recruited by British intelligence (yes, British. Not every fucking problem in the world is our fault, yo) and was then taken on by our folks to be groomed for Kashmir. Arrested, he was Masood Azhar’s roomie in prison, and was eventually released courtesy the same hijacking drama that led to Maulana sahab’s outing. In sum, him and the Maulana are certified chuddy buddies.

He has become famous for being sentenced to life imprisonment in the Daniel Pearl murder case. In a way, thus, he is not a terrorist per say, but just a common murderer. But since we are intellectually lazy, and since I am sitting in the U.S. right now with the FBI probably keeping tabs on me, it is quite safe to say that every person ever implicated in jihadi ideas is a certified global terrorist menace.

Ahmed Omar Saeed is currently in Hyderabad prison, but is apparently not languishing. Quite the contrary, he is having a ball of a time there. He has surrounded himself with books on history, economics and other intense stuff and reads them regularly. The jail authorities change his guards often because if they spend time with Ahmed Omar Saeed long enough they start coming under his cerebral spell. He is, thus, a veritable Hannibal Lecter! And you know how easily women get weak knees thinking about Hannibal Lecter.

Ahmed Omar Saeed also exudes power, another turn on: apparently he used to phone Musharraf from his jail cell threatening him with attacks if he did not release him. And apparently the two attacks on Mush in Rawalpindi were arranged by him. Quite a string-puller from behind bars, I dare say. Hotness overall. Worthy number two on our list.

1. Hakeemullah Mehsud

I debated long and hard about whether Hakeemullah should be number one or two on this list. In the end, his dashing good looks and charming smile did me in. My heart fluttered once or twice and I could not resist making him my numero uno – officially the sexiest Pakistani terrorist ever to have lived!

If Ajmal Kasab was the one-hit wonder Hrithik Roshan, Hakeemullah is to Pakistani terrorism what Akshay Kumar was to Bollywood: stunning good looks, wonderfully built physique, highly underrated and a total underdog yet rising within the ranks and proving one’s worth repeatedly, constantly struggling below the top stars for eons and then finally making one’s mark and attaining tog dog position after a grueling succession battle.

Yes, indeed, Hakeemullah is your typical Pathan – tall, handsome, charmingly rustic. Never has a man looked hotter in that winter cap that he constantly adorns (someone should tell him summer’s just ending).

Hakeemullah is also every boy’s dream – at the mere age of 28 (okay, Pathans are notorious when it comes to their ages. He’s probably 34ish), he is in control of one of Pakistan’s largest and most successful enterprises – the Tehrik-e-Taliban. He has risen through the ranks of the organization utilizing the right connections but also displaying a fair amount of skill and expertise at his job (he is considered particularly nasty). And now, after a succession struggle, he sits at the top – one of Pakistan’s most dynamic and youngest CEOs. Hakeemullah, you have arrived. Who needs fucking venture capitals or the Karachi Stock Exchange to seed capital when, like you, one controls a national (nay, international) multi-million dollar ring of kidnapping, drugs, donations, and what not. You are a modern-day Pablo Escobar!

Of course, it adds to his intrigue the rumor that he might not be alive! Yes, they (and here they equals Rehman Malik, the epitome of truth and integrity) say that you are dead and they’ve flown in a lookalike cousin from Afghanistan to impersonate you. Now isn’t that fascinating?

Is he alive?

Is he dead?

Is he a ghost?

Where is he?

DHAN TE NAN!!

And now for the ugly

Meanwhile, while we’re at it, here’s the ugliest terrorist ever made: Juhayman al-Otaibi, famous for laying siege of the Holy Kaaba at Makkah in 1979 to topple the corrupt and debauch Saudi Arabian government (an attack that we conveniently blamed on the Americans/Israelis/infidel Iranian Shiites. Yay, false propaganda!).