So once upon a time I was flirting with a delectable girl and trying to have a fun time being all cocky and charming that I suddenly hit a wall: I realized that she was too burger for my liking, and I was too paindu for hers. This led me, always the intellectual, to start thinking about the nature of burger people in or from the mother country. More specifically, I had the following questions in mind: what makes one a burger; what are the implications of being a burger; is one’s burgerness determined at birth and is unchangeable, or do events that happen in the subsequent course of life cause burgerness to develop fully; and, finally, can a non-burger become a burger and vice versa, and, if so, what are the social implications of such a phenomenon?
Before I go any further, a brief explanation is in order for those folks who do not know the meaning of burger. (These folks include my supposed (and rapidly dwindling) readership outside of Pakistan, especially of the foreign variety.) A burger is best understood as a derogatory term for a youthful soul that is too westernized, and out of touch with his native culture and society. It is used by non-burgers to mock burgers. (At the opposite of the spectrum would be ‘paindu’, someone who’s from a village and thus ill-informed about the ways of the world.) I personally find ‘burger’ to be a most fascinating term, and if I could venture a guess as to its origins, it would be this: this happened in the late 1980’s etc when burgers started becoming an essential part of menus at upscale restaurants all over the country. Those youth who, in any given situation, chose to reflect their preference for a foreign alternative to any item or mode of behavior over its local variety, or behave in a reasonably foreign manner, began to be labeled ‘burgers.’ The term, thus, is also comment on globalization (that is, Americanization) of world cuisine. 
Okay, enough of the pseudo-intellectualism from my side. Let us move on to the topic at hand. So, after a fair bit of thinking, I was able to conclude that there actually exist not just one kind of burger, but in fact quite a few classes of it. These vary in their burgerness based on their members’ characteristics. I present below my humble analysis and contribution – the three categories of burgerness that I have identified, with increasing order of burgerness: the bun kebab, the crispy chicken burger at AFC, and, finally, the Quarter Pounder.
The bun kebab (especially the one at Tipu Burger)
This is the first, and least burger, category of burgers. In fact, it is hardly burger at all. People belonging to this category aspire towards ultimate burgerness, but that will always remain a distant dream for them. At maximum, they will be lucky and get admission and a scholarship at some elite private university where they can interact with whatever Quarter Pounders (the ultimate burgers) have not left for studies abroad, do well in that university, get a high-paying job at a fancy multinational company, have kids, send those kids to elite private schools, and, finally, be able to attain some Quarter Pounders. Thus, it takes an entire generation for someone to progress from bun kebab to Quarter Pounder. (LUMS National Outreach Program, I look at you!)
The biggest obstacle bun kebabs face is that they are too rooted in their desiness to break free and embrace western influences fully and completely. The only western cultural and musical influences that they admire and appreciate wholeheartedly include global phenomena such as Michael Jackson and Rambo. They got sad when MJ died because for them that was the only quality music that side of the world has ever produced.
Another interesting characteristic of bun kebabs is that a lot of people in Pakistan’s entertainment industry fall here. These include the actresses and fashion models types, looking to break free from a traditional, conservative family culture and embrace fully the vices promised by Quarter Pounderness.
On the internet, bun kebab-types are quite active. Sadly, however, I feel they are too busy looking at porn or complaining on some political forum about Blackwater’s unwarranted presence in Pakistan to show interest in this blog. My analysis, thus, will remain in the wilderness for them.
The crispy chicken burger at AFC
This is the second category of burgers, and I affectionately call these the crispy chicken burgers at Lahore-based chain AFC, which is a rip-off of KFC (and the burger itself a rather delicious and half-priced rip-off of the world-famous Zinger).
This lot is a bit confused, but would be too proud to admit it. The AFC crispy chicken burgers did not have the luxury of going to the elitist of private schools in the country. Instead, they went to the second tier schools, which incidentally are still too expensive for most Pakistanis. You know, the Beaconhouses and City Schools of the world. Invariably, they believe that those kids who went to the elitist private schools are complete burgers (and thus don’t realize that they themselves are also quite burger, but just not burger enough).
In terms of cultural and artistic preferences, the crispy chicken burgers have a mild preference for Hollywood films over Bollywood, because, well, the stories are better and the acting is stronger and the women are hotter and less inhibited. Further, crispy chicken burgers are big fans of Pakistani rock bands such as Noori, EP, Call, Jal, Junoon et al. In fact, if I had to guess I would say they constitute the biggest fan group for these bands. They are also strongly inclined towards the usual suspects amongst western rock/pop acts – Metallica, Pink Floyd, Green Day, etc. Interestingly, these burgers think that ‘nigger’ is an acceptable word around the world, because all the rap musicians that they have heard seem to be using it. (Some of the crispy chicken burgers thus are often liable to end up in some kind of trouble if they somehow manage coming to the United States for graduate studies or work.)
My obsession with all things Bollywood and antipathy to any western music that is not Lady Gaga keeps me paindu enough to be in this category; otherwise I would have become a Quarter Pounder long ago. Which brings me to…
The Quarter Pounder
Burgers belonging to this group are the easiest to spot, and are the most despised universally. They will only use English as a language of communication, unless speaking to their driver, guard, cook, or staff at their favored DVD shop at the market, in which case they will use Urdu that is often accented. Invariably, Quarter Pounders have studied at the elite private schools in Lahore, Karachi and Islamabad (there are, by a law of nature, no Quarter Pounders from any other city) which their parents have paid an arm and a leg for. They can either be first or second generation Quarter Pounders (see ‘bun kebab’ section for an example of how first generation Quarter Pounders come to be).
Oh, an interesting aside. Even though I have labeled them Quarter Pounders, which is a McDonald’s brand, they are mostly likely to consider McDonald’s as a slightly ghetto joint which is too often frequented by the crispy chicken burgers. Thus, when craving a burger themselves, these burgers will only visit a McDonald’s joint via drive-thru, or will get home delivery. Or, they will simply go to Roaster’s in Zamzama and have expensive-as-shit burgers there.
For Quarter Pounders, looking down upon the other classes of burgers is considered standard and often encouraged. However, this attitude seems to be getting a bit passé now, and there appears to be renewed interest amongst this community in understanding the complex socio-economic problems inflicting the common man in Pakistan. Because we must help. Somehow. Like, you know, go back and do something meaningful.
Quarter Pounders probably don’t know that hockey is the national game of Pakistan. In fact, the only hockey they are likely to have seen is the kind played on ice, during graduate studies or regular family vacations to the United States. (Yes, it is indeed quite a fast game, and great fun to watch when drunk. I know. Shahbaz senior can kiss my chuddies.)
There is no point discussing cultural preferences and shit like that, because the only time they watch Pakistani TV is when the cricket team is playing some important match. (Incidentally, whenever they go see a cricket match live, they will sit in the enclosure that allows other Quarter Pounders to congregate. They are thus insulated from the aam junta (or, mango people. Oh man, Love Aaj Kal really outdid itself in this one! Pure brilliance.) and can enjoy the match with insane amounts of poondi to entertain themselves during boring periods like when Salman Butt is trying to bat.
In terms of music, they are likely to know more about the history of jazz music than the average American. Regarding movies, Bollywood is obviously considered to be a joke. However, Aamir Khan tends to be one Bollywood actor that is respected, and ‘Dil Chahta Hai’ is considered a good film. Because, well, it’s relatable. Shahrukh is considered a chootiya. Interestingly though, all the pomp and show of Bollywood comes alive for Quarter Pounders every wedding season, when pretty ladies do the sexiest dances to hits from the previous year wearing very-very tasty clothes.
On the Pakistani side of entertainment, Quarter Pounders are likely to have watched ‘Khuda Ke Liye’ once and found it a bit preachy but relevant. Because, you know, “it shows our religion in a positive light and shows the true face of those barbarian bastards, methinks.” Quarter Pounders also have vague recollections from when they were young of their mothers almost getting wet while talking about some random godforsaken dead guy called Waheed Murad.
Most readers of this blog fall in this category.
(Update: So, apparently, this topic is as old as the hills. See hottie VJ Mahira talking about it here. I personally couldn’t focus on the content of the discussion (I am sure it wasn’t anything enlightening) because her supreme hotness is too bloody distracting, yar.)
(Acknowledgements: Actually, this idea has been brewing in my head for quite some time now. A big puppi and japhee to Umair Javed for throwing his significant intellectual (and even more significant body) weight behind the topic of burgerness and its social implications, over many pointless online chat conversations.)
Posted by Gulbadan 
