Making your American airport experience more pleasant despite the baggage of the Green Passport

Update: This has been rendered useless as soon as it was written. After Times Square case, forget it: you’re in for it at airports.

We Pakistanis complain, and do so often, about the treatment meted out to us by security personnel at U.S. airports. After accounting for the general penchant of our countrymen to complain incessantly, there is no reason why this issue should miff them so much. Instead, it is far more productive for everyone to put up and make the most of this rather ‘unpleasant’ situation. In this piece I offer some practical tips regarding this matter to make your American travelling experience more efficient and comfortable.

Having travelled extensively on airplanes throughout America for the past two years, I feel confident enough to assert that I have mastered the delicate art of dealing with stringent checks and unpleasant security personnel. For your own sake, you are advised to listen to me.

First, smile a lot. Do not look mad. No one likes looking at a pissed-off Pakistani. It reminds everyone of Pervez Musharraf, and Americans don’t want to be reminded how he played them like a flute. Instead, show your bateesi like our current President. Smiling widely will help you ingratiate with the security guy, and will make both him and you feel more comfortable. You are also advised to exchange pleasantries; this is your chance to show off your newly acquired knowledge about U.S. sports and your local team.

Second, dress sharp. Wear a shalwar kameez to an airport at your own risk, no matter how dapper you think you look in your uber-desi attire. Preferably, wear a suit, especially if you are going to another big city. Everyone knows suits make men feel more confident, and this swagger is much needed at airports if you want to get through the security check faster. Americans tend to be a sucker for confident types, so utilize that to your advantage. Also, do not scratch down there, as that will make you look ridiculous at best and suspicious at worst. And we all know you don’t want that.

Third, and I say this with a very heavy heart, do not crack jokes at any point inside the airport. Remember that Qatari diplomat a few weeks ago who was smoking in an airplane toilet and then made a joke about lighting his shoes on fire when he was confronted by the flight attendant? Yeah, such flamboyance will only get you deported. And what will you do with only five hours of electricity? So, do yourself a favor and leave your funny side at home. Mind you, this is easier said than done: it is exceptionally hard to subdue your temptation of cracking a joke after all that confidence you have already built up by following my earlier advice of smiling and wearing a suit. It is indeed a fine line you will be expected to tread between flair and solemnity, and there will be significant pressure on you. But then, if we’ve learned anything from our national cricket team, it is that Pakistanis perform exceptionally well under pressure in an environment charged with sky-high expectations. You are in good standing, my fellow countryman, so stand proud and charm the pants off that mean-looking security dude.

Finally, and most important: despite this charm offensive, even if you randomly selected for extra screening, do not throw a hissy fit like some of our FATA senators did a few months back. Instead, feel proud when asked to stand inside that machine that reveals everything to everyone. It is important to know that the picture is being seen by one single person sitting in a different room. Enjoy the moment while it lasts; after all, this is probably the only chance you have as a desi man to get a gori to see you naked.

If all of these tips and tricks fail to satisfy you, just man up and get a U.S. driving license. You probably are over twenty-one years of age. (If you aren’t, well, you’re probably too young and irresponsible to be alone in this country in any case, and thus any harassment at airports is probably justified – stop getting drunk at college parties and go home to join daddy’s business.) Just go give a driving test (doesn’t it suck that they don’t accept bribes in America for this purpose?), get an I.D. card and use that to visit airports. Leave your green passport-to-hell at home, and pretend you’re an American. So, unless you really screw up like that Afghan idiot Najibullah Zazi, chances are your air travel will be free of hassles and discomfort.

I wrote this for the Express Tribune newspaper’s Sunday magazine. A slightly edited version appeared in it.

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